Source: Connect with Kids
“Just let it go. If you keep answering the phone calls, you’re only making it available to him. You’re only allowing him to yell at you and to scream at you.”
– Amanda Kramer, 21 years old
Many times, teens feel so overpowered and controlled in abusive relationships that they can’t leave. It takes support from friends and family to help.
Amanda Kramer was no different. “I knew what was going on, I knew it, but it wasn’t strong enough in me to get rid of it,” she says. “I wasn’t strong enough inside.”
Her then-boyfriend was jealous and controlling. He told her if she ever left him, he would kill himself.
She didn’t want to see him in pain. “I told him, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry’ and he told me everything was my fault and that everything was never gonna be okay - but as long as we were together [he wouldn’t kill himself]. And so I went back.”
Experts say this cycle of threats and violence is hard to break. Many times the teens involved are in denial.
“It’s very important, though,” explains domestic violence specialist, Kim Frndak, “that they have facts and information about this issue.”
An estimated one in three teens will be in an abusive relationship; one in four girls will be raped or sexually assaulted.
And the victims don’t always know that the abuse is not their fault.
“It’s very, very important to say, ‘I’m concerned for your safety, you’re not alone, you’re not the only person dealing with this kind of thing, and you don’t deserve to be treated like this’,” explains Frndak.
That’s the message to the child. And, she says, that’s just the beginning.
“Have the guidance counselors and administrators at the school investigate,” she says, “[and] there’s nothing wrong with calling the young man’s parents - because chances are, if he’s behaving this way towards your daughter, he’s done it in the past with other people.”
Finally, she says, parents need to do whatever it takes to keep their child safe.
“If you need to put limitations on your child’s activity - do it. If you need to say, ‘no you can’t go to the mall - you can’t go to the mall, you can only go to the mall if you’re with at least another friend, two friends and you can’t stay beyond such-and-such a time.’”
After four long years, with the help of her friends, Amanda was finally able to break free.
“I stopped answering his phone calls, I deleted every single message that he sent me, emails, IM’s - blocked them, took his number out of my phone and everything stopped,” she says. “Months later it stopped. It finally stopped.”
Tips for Parents
– Amanda Kramer, 21 years old
Many times, teens feel so overpowered and controlled in abusive relationships that they can’t leave. It takes support from friends and family to help.
Amanda Kramer was no different. “I knew what was going on, I knew it, but it wasn’t strong enough in me to get rid of it,” she says. “I wasn’t strong enough inside.”
Her then-boyfriend was jealous and controlling. He told her if she ever left him, he would kill himself.
She didn’t want to see him in pain. “I told him, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry’ and he told me everything was my fault and that everything was never gonna be okay - but as long as we were together [he wouldn’t kill himself]. And so I went back.”
Experts say this cycle of threats and violence is hard to break. Many times the teens involved are in denial.
“It’s very important, though,” explains domestic violence specialist, Kim Frndak, “that they have facts and information about this issue.”
An estimated one in three teens will be in an abusive relationship; one in four girls will be raped or sexually assaulted.
And the victims don’t always know that the abuse is not their fault.
“It’s very, very important to say, ‘I’m concerned for your safety, you’re not alone, you’re not the only person dealing with this kind of thing, and you don’t deserve to be treated like this’,” explains Frndak.
That’s the message to the child. And, she says, that’s just the beginning.
“Have the guidance counselors and administrators at the school investigate,” she says, “[and] there’s nothing wrong with calling the young man’s parents - because chances are, if he’s behaving this way towards your daughter, he’s done it in the past with other people.”
Finally, she says, parents need to do whatever it takes to keep their child safe.
“If you need to put limitations on your child’s activity - do it. If you need to say, ‘no you can’t go to the mall - you can’t go to the mall, you can only go to the mall if you’re with at least another friend, two friends and you can’t stay beyond such-and-such a time.’”
After four long years, with the help of her friends, Amanda was finally able to break free.
“I stopped answering his phone calls, I deleted every single message that he sent me, emails, IM’s - blocked them, took his number out of my phone and everything stopped,” she says. “Months later it stopped. It finally stopped.”
Tips for Parents
‘Dating violence’ may seem like a vague, murky term, but the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control defines ‘dating violence’ very specifically:
Dating Violence: “The perpetration or threat of an act of violence by at least one member of an unmarried couple on the other member within the context of dating or courtship. This violence encompasses any form of sexual assault, physical violence, and verbal or emotional abuse.”
How often does dating violence happen? Estimates vary, but the NCIPC offers these statistics:
24% of 8th and 9th graders have been victims of nonsexual dating violence.
8% of 8th and 9th graders have been victims of sexual dating violence.
Among high school students, the average prevalence rate for nonsexual dating violence is 22%.
Among college students the rate is 32%.
27% of college females have been victims of rape or attempted rape since age 14.
Over half of 1,000 females at a large urban university surveyed said they had experienced some form of “unwanted sex.”
Women are 6 times more likely than men to experience violence at the hands of an intimate partner.
According to the Massachusetts Department of Education, teen dating violence follows a pattern which is similar to adult domestic violence. The major elements of this pattern are:
Violence that affects people from all socio-economic, racial and ethnic groups.
Repeated violence that escalates.
Violence that increases in severity the longer the relationship continues.
Violence and abusive behaviors are interchanged with apologies and promises to change.
Increase danger for the victim when trying to terminate the relationship.
Occurrence in heterosexual and gay and lesbian relationships.
How can you tell if your teenager may be suffering from dating violence? Here are some signs from the Massachusetts Department of Education.
Is your child involved with someone who:
Is overly possessive and demonstrating a real need to control
Is jealous to the extreme point where it becomes an obsession
Is into controlling your child’s everyday events
Is prone to violent outbursts
Is a person who has a history of poor relationships
Is infringing upon your child’s freedom to make choices for himself/herself
Is limiting the time your child spends with other people
Is using external pressure to influence decision making
Is into passing blame and denying their own mistakes
Is in the habit of using put downs or playing mind games
Is not a person who can be disagreed with easily
Is encouraging your child to keep secrets
Is causing your child to become more withdrawn
And for teenagers trying to get out of a violent relationship, the following advice from the Boulder (CO) Police Department:
Tell your parents, a friend, a counselor, a clergyman, or someone else whom you trust and who can help.
The more isolated you are from friends and family, the more control the abuser has over you.
Alert the school counselor or security officer. Keep a daily log of the abuse.
Do not meet your partner alone.
Do not let him or her in your home or car when you are alone.
Avoid being alone at school, your job, on the way to and from places.
Tell someone where you are going and when you plan to be back.
Plan and rehearse what you would do if your partner became abusive.
References
Boulder (CO) Police Department
California Adolescent Health Collaborative
Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia
Massachusetts Department of Education
National Center for Injury Protection and Control
